Setting the Record Straight

My weekend was mostly filled with joy and the laughter of family at home.  Amid the ciaos, there was one event that I have tried to push to the back of my mind, but it keeps bubbling up and then bringing me down.  I have tried hard not to address it in one way or another because I loath drama and I feel like I would only be opening myself up for criticism and judgement - which doesn't promote any kind of love or understanding.  With all that said, I feel the need to set the record straight and possibly avoid some questions.  I do realize that writing this post might also cause more questions, but answers to those questions are personal and as I try to respect others' rights to their own journey, I would hope that those who care about me most, would do so in return.

I believe it is no secret that David and I are no longer active in our faith.  This was not a rash decision that we made to convenience our desires to be worldly, immoral, or lazy. This decision came after years of thought, study, and prayer - all the things that we were raised knowing were best in making life decisions.  We truly tried to make sense of the things that were uncomfortable to us, but we realized that this was impossible for US.  The morality that we were raised trying to attain, kept us from shelving our questions.  I am not assuming that this need be the case for anyone other than myself and David, as many can push aside questions or take things on faith.  Wherever anyone finds peace and the inspiration to do good, I honor and have no desire to disrupt.
 

  Making such a decision has not been easy for many reasons. There are the questions that many have of why, the social fallout for our children and ourselves, and the isolation of not being able to express the myriad of emotions and thoughts that you are experiencing because they will be misconstrued as an agenda.  I have neighbors that will not wave at me anymore, as if all the good that once made "me" has been lost through my disaffection.  All of these things I have learned to deal with.  They are all consequences of my decision to remove myself, but in an effort to be respectful of others', I have left my life open to speculation.  I have heard rumors that I/we have been offended, that we are angry, or that we have been led astray by anti- mormon literature.  All of these are false.  I wanted nothing more than to continue in the way of my heritage and to make sense of all of it, but I have now realized that for me personally, I am happier just accepting that it is not the place of inspiration and peace that it once was.  I was very sad for a long time, but I have found peace with my decision and I am happy.  I am happy wrestling with the questions and living my life with as much integrity as possible, not by doing what will keep me popular or above scrutiny.

I know that talk will happen and most just try and fill in the blanks with reasons of why.  This might make them feel more at peace, but when the rumors are so far from the truth, they are hurtful and sting.  I heard over the weekend that a rumor is floating that David and I are getting divorced.  At first it was laughable, but as I pondered who had said this and was passing it on, it became very hurtful, so I felt a real need to set the record straight.  I have done some questionable things in my life, but choosing to marry David is the one truth that I have never questioned.  This is what has sustained me through all of the difficult times.  We are truly best friends and our love and devotion for each other is solid.  David is the most wonderful husband and father that anyone could ask for.  I know a good thing when I see it/got it. He and the children are my world and that is where I find my peace and joy.  End of story......or at least I hope so.

I love my life and this man.

*I view this post as a declaration.  I would ask that no one try to engage me about who/what/when this happened, as more gossip isn't the answer.  I just needed to clear my head.  As for those of you that had no idea about my inactivity, I would hope that you could still see me for who I am and love me regardless of what you feel are my flaws and I will return the favor.  I would also respectfully decline any inquiry as to why we are no longer active as the discussion seems to bring about more misunderstanding than not.  Peace and love to you all.